"I Don't Love You" by My Chemical Romance is TOTALLY not a good choice of song to listen to when you think your boyfriend is going off you!!

Holy Shit maybe it's true!!
*reaches for another cig before he gets home*

Well sort of. In light of my last post i've just had a ciggie and now i plan to eat a chocolate bar and have a cuppa. In your face healthy people.
xx

Now I don't know whether i'm just being paranoid but this weekend i've felt like the Boyf isn't into me as much as he used to be. I'm sure if i said this to him he would rubbish it immediately but i'm really sensitive and the smallest things set me off thinking irrationally.
For example, i arrived home on friday early evening and he picked me up from the station. I hadn't seen him since sunday (a long time for us) and he didn't seem THAT excited or pleased to see me. I don't know what i was expecting really, it would be silly if everytime i came back he made a big song and dance about it. I just felt a bit flat at the lack of enthusiastic reception.

So anyway, another thing which is getting to me is the fact that all of a sudden he has become some kind of fitness freak. Don't get me wrong, i'm well up for him exercising more and being healthier but now when i want to eat junk food or smoke or drink he sort of gets all high and mighty with me. I haven't smoked when he has been with me because he's given up and i want to be supportive, it's also good for me to cut down. It just pisses me off a bit that before this health kick started, he would smoke 3 times as much as me, eat biscuits and chocolate every day and only eat frozen chicken and chips for dinner. I've always been a healthy eater who occaisionally likes a curry or fish and chips. Now when i eat a chocolate bar he looks at me like i'm so bad!! He has been moaning about me going out with housemates twice last week and getting drunk. EXCUSE me but before we were together he used to be off his face on pills and ketamin all weekend which i have NEVER done. The odd night getting drunk isn't something i want my boyfriend to give me the needle about. Oh god i'm really getting wound up now.
I want to say here again that i really am pleased for him to be making good lifestyle changes but i just feel scared that because i won't drink smoothies with raw eggs in or give up going to the pub that he's going to dump me!
On sunday morning he was joking about me being a "fatty" and after him banging on at me for so long about what i eat i started to cry a bit. I just couldn't help it because i'm so frustrated with him. I'm not fat at all i'm 5ft 6 and weigh 8st 12. My tummy is a bit of a pot belly but it's been like that forever and i don't really mind it to be honest. My arms and legs are pretty skinny and i've got no ass - I'M NOT FAT DAMMIT!! He felt really bad and told me how gorgeous i am and he was kidding but i'm sick of it to be fair.
Last night i even felt guilty for making a sandwich before i went to bed - but i was hungry!! I HATE being hungry. Also it pisses me off that all the good foods that i've tried to get him to try in the past he now eats like it was his idea all along. MEN!!
He's hardly kissed me all weekend which makes me even sadder
I don't know what to do . I don't want to start asking "do you still love me" etc etc and i don't really want to change and give up smoking and drinking. I'm coming home for the summer in a few weeks and i don't want to live with boring Boyf. I want my fun Boyf back who makes me laugh and does stupid stuff and eats junk food sometimes! He won't even drink dilute squash anymore! He is just so extreme with everything he does.
I think reading this that i probably sound really unreasonable and selfish. I really want him to succeed in his healthy goals but i can't take him bashing me for not adopting the lifestyle he has chosen.
We are going to a gig tomorrow night so maybe his fun side wil be back for that. I hope so or i might not be able to take this much longer.

So far Harvest Moon DS is winning. I spent hours this afternoon playing the damn thing. It was a stupid idea to buy it before i finish for the summer. I've done about an hour and a half uni work tonight which is better than nothing but the lure of the game is hard to resist. Aargh!
In other news the woodlouse are back! I think it's because we don't have the heating on anymore. They are invading the kitchen like crazy. Yuk.
I'm still enjoying being back here. I'm not homesick at all yet. In fact, this house kind of feels like home now. I love my bedroom even thought the carpet is shit and the paintwork is shit etc.
It's been cloudy and kind of raining here all day today which sucked. I checked the weather and it looks like it will be sunny tomorrow so i plan to go into Leeds clothes shopping. I would've gone today but shopping in the rain is hell.
Well i guess i'd better go do some more work now. I propbably won't though as the rest of my house is gathering downstairs for the last EVER episode of the O.C!!!

Got back to Leeds yesterday afternoon. So far i've been having a really good time and i'm not missing the Boyf much. I think it is easier for me to go off and leave him rather than him leaving me to go somewhere!
Went out for dinner with housemates last night then on to a bar for half price cocktails. I have forgotten how busy this place is. It was a sunday night and the bars were lively and pretty full.
Today I went to uni for 3 hours and did a bit of work. I'm planning on doing a fair amount tomorrow after i hit the shops with my student loan. I think we are all going out Weds night so i want a new outfit.
As for now i'm snuggled up in my room trying to figure out how to play Harvest Moon DS. It came with loads of instructions but they are severly lacking in important, basic info. I don't know how kids are supposed to play it. Oh no, i've just thought maybe it's really easy for kids to play and i've actually become one of those grown-up people that can't figure computer games out!! Surely not.....

Well, i'm in the black with my bank account today because i've finally received my student loan. WOOP! Unfortunately i have only just realised this by checking interent banking. I was unaware earlier when i was traipsing around town with the Boyf, moaning about everything that i couldn't afford! *sigh*
I guess i'll go back tomorrow if i have time and buy some stuff!
Today i swapped my Nintendo DS for a DS light in pink for a tenner because mine had broke and the nice man at Game said i could! How cool!
I would suggest takeaway as my treat tonight but the Boyf is on some annoying healthy detox plan since he drank like a fish in Tennessee and so it would mean pigging out on my own which i don't enjoy. Baked potato AGAIN it is then .

http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/fruitjuiceVAT/

Go sign it if you agree that we shouldn't be paying VAT on healthy smoothies!
We don't pay VAT on hotdogs and chips!

OOF, I got a killer headache last night and i still have it this morning . Have just rang my boss to see if i can have tonight off. I'm supposed to be working the upstairs bar in the live music venue which means it's super loud in there - not good for a headache.

Today I really MUST do some uni work. I got back this sunday and i'm supposed to be showing my group what i've done over the holidays. So far haven't done anything! EEK. I'm just not enjoying this project. In my opinion it's badly organised and even though i'm interested in the work behind it, the way the project is structured makes me uninterested in it. It's crap.

So he STILL hasn't called but today I got another email saying he is about to leave for the airport. He told me he had been on a huge jack daniels drinking session where he had his photo taken in a bar with Jessica Simpson! Eek! (*tells myself* calm down, he loves me not her, i hope!!) He then went to some bars with the bassist from the Kaiser Cheifs and carried on drinking until morning in the hotel pool. *sigh*.
I'd better make sure i look super hot when i get to the station seeing as he's now got a pic of him and Jessica on his camera next the ones of me and him! OH MY GOD! I can't wait to see him, this weekend has been lame.
Yesterday was ok as i sat out on the roof and got drunk with flatmate D. We then went into the bar and played games and drank some more but obviously i didn't drink enough as by the time i got to bed i had a killer headache and couldn't pass out like i had planned to!

Right i'm off to glam myself up, his train arrives at 1.30pm!
xx

But i'm hopeful that today i will get to speak to the Boyf.

I really, really hope he calls soon - i can't take it much more!!!!

So far today i've had a shower and spent ages putting on make-up to make myself feel better. I'm pretty much bored out my face and really i'm just waiting to go to work which i know isn't going to be great because all of the fun bar staff have left.
Have spent most of the afternoon sorting out my Ipod and trying to get the album artwork onto it. I just don't understand Itunes. I think it's really badly designed and the help section is useless. In a round-a-bout way i've managed to get some missing artwork on there but it still makes no sense to me.
Trying to work out when the Boyf sent the email to me as he said he'd ring tomorrow which I can't figure out if that means today or actually tomorrow here because of the time difference. I bet he rings when i'm at work and can't answer the phone
Just called my best mate and she sounds as bored as me. Pity she's at uni or we could've hung out today.
Might go and sit in the sun for a bit see if that invokes any endorphins.
I'm lonely!!!!!!

I got an email from the Boyf today!  Sounds like he's being kept really busy and having loads of fun but missing me too. He informs me he has been provided with a phonecard today so will get to call me soon. I can't wait! Now I know i'm sounding all lame and soppy again but we've never been this long without talking to each other! Only 2 more sleeps to go! Tonight will be ok because i'm working on the bar from 8pm til 3am so hardly have to spend anytime sleeping alone. Tomorrow night should be easy because i basically go to sleep then wake up and start making myself look amazing to meet him at the station.

All I have to do now is get through today. I'm in danger of sitting in the lounge all day in my pajamas because i feel a bit depressed. I'm going to try get washed and dressed and venture to the supermarket. Then i plan to do some uni work as i haven't opened my books all holiday. Maybe i'll sit on the roof in the sunshine and read a book. The book i'm reading at the mo' is a bit depressing though. Perhaps i'll go to the library and choose a better one! I normally do stuff with the Boyf on saturdays because he isn't at work. I would do something with my mates or sister today but they are all off back at uni or doing something else which is sods law.

Ugh i need to stop watching "Shipwrecked" everyone on it is so good looking and toned. Makes me feel fat and gross which is silly because i'm not even fat. I'm just not as toned as all those beautiful people!
On that note i'm going to do something with my saturday now. Will report back later and hopefully have something to say for my day!
xx

They are all completely unreliable!!!!
Here I am sat waiting for the Boyf to call from the states. I've waited for 24 hours after he has landed and finally i couldn't take it anymore. So i rang T-Mobile and as i know his password could check to see if international roaming had been activated like he had asked them to do 2 days ago. The guy informs me the wrong type of roaming had been put on the account and when he tried to fix it, the proper type of roaming couldn't be activated because of the Boyf's shitty payment history. He was "sorry, but he should have been told this the first time he rang up". OH MY GOD. Stuff like this happens all the time with Mobile companies. Orange was the shittest, i'm never going with them again. T-Mobile is obviously just as unorganised with staff who don't give a shit just like all the competitors.
So now i'm upset because I can't speak to him at all. IT SUCKS!!! I'm hungover and tired and face a Friday night in alone in the giant bed. I think I may order a curry to cheer myself up.
The only good thing about his phone being off is it will save me from being butt-raped by the phone company's extortionate (spelt wrong?) international charges. FUCKERS.
xx

It wasn't so bad last night. The Boyf rang at around 1am when he got to Gatwick. He soundeed pretty chirpy (well he IS on a free holiday), even though he had to sleep there til his flight at 9am this morning. He rang me after he had checked in so I know he's ok. He has a terrible record with travelling. In fact, he missed his stop last night and so had to go a different way! The other incidents are too numerous to go into now but he is rubbish at trains, planes and having a passport in date!
Felt a bit wierd going to sleep without him but not as bad as i thought it would be.
Tonight i'm going out with my sister and best mate, think they are going to stay over here so i won't be lonesome! Will probably go for food at Revolution the vodka bar. This is brilliant because the food is really nice AND we have priviledge cards which give us buy one get one free on meals. However, going out this early could be bad because i have a feeling the Boyf will call from Atlanta before flying on to Tennessee at about this time and I don't want to be drunk when he calls. Will have to avoid the vodka 'til after i've spoken to him i think.
I can't wait to know that he's got there safely and met the Jack Daniels rep ok. I'm such a worrier! He is a grown-up!

The Boyf has just left to get the train to Gatwick to get a Plane to Tennessee!! EEK! Never been this far apart before. I know it might make you all want to vomit but it's so FAR. I miss him already and he's not even got to the airport yet. He'll be back on Monday but it's 5 sleeps alone. Oh my god i'm so lame aren't I? Never slept a night in the flat without him. At least I get to spread out in the kingsize bed. Who am I kidding? It's going to suck. Best mate is coming over to stay tomorrow night after a night on the piss so won't be lonely then. Tonight is going to be really weird. I hope I don't cry because then I really will feel like a loser. Will probably stay up until he's due in at Gatwick at around 1am. His plane doesn't leave till 9am tomorrow (!!) so he has to sleep in the airport as there were no other trains. This means whilst I'm snuggled down all alone i'll have visions of him all cold and alone in the airport all night long. I wouldn't feel so lost if he was just going to London or somewhere for a few days, it's the distance that's freaking me out. Of course I acted real happy for him because it's a free holiday to the Jack Daniels distillery, but inside i'm like "don't gooooooooo, stay with meeeeeeeeeeee!!" Oh dear! Well i'm going to finish watching the end of Legally Blonde now. I love that film!!

Wow, the weather is amazing and everyone is in a good mood. The Boyf is real happy at the moment. It's all because of the surprise birthday party that i organised for him on tuesday. His face was a picture when all his friends arrived at the flat. He thought he was going to be sat in bored all night. HA!
Tonight is Boyf's birthday Phase 2. We are all going out into town for drinks then to Rock City for some dancing. Can't wait. I'm so glad his friends have come through this time. Normally they are so lethargic when it comes to making an effort for someone. it really brings the Boyf down that they can't be bothered to come into town to see him. Anyways, tonight should be all good!
I've fake tanned myself in preparation for wearing a skirt with no tights but have noticed loads of bruises on my legs from humping furniture around at work the other night. Damn it! Might have to rock the tights or even jeans. Choosing an outfit is so hard! I need some new clothes, haven't been shopping in ages due to lack of funds. Roll on student loan!!

Wow - yesterday sucked! I woke up in a bad mood which only got worse after the boyf and I had a huge argument about what I'm not sure. It started over housework, I think, and him saying I don't DO anything all day. This isn't true, I just don't go to work like he does. I always clean up before he gets home so I got really mad and told him to piss off and threw some stuff around. NOT GOOD. He then disappeared for a drive and I spent an hour crying and listening to depressing music. After that he came home and I cried some more (for about 2 hours) then i had to get ready for work on the bar. He did make me some dinner though. We made up in the end but last night I was so sad at work.
Today is much better. I went to my mum's and got home a few hours after the Boyf where he has acted totally normal so I think yesterday is forgotten. I don't think the odd row is going to destroy us.
It's his birthday tomorrow and i'm crapping myself because i still haven't bought his present. Gotta convince him to go to the bank in a bit and get some money out to lend me for "bills" until i get paid. I think it's so unethical that the money is actually going to pay for his gift! Shocking.
Anyways that's it for now - byebye x